Well, I can’t say this is the easiest thing I have ever done. In fact it may very well be the hardest. Especially these past 2 1/2 weeks. I am both proud of myself and disappointed in myself.
Two weeks ago today I was diagnosed with Influenza A. I had not been feeling well for a couple of days and went to the Dr. I thought it was just a sinus infection. I sure didn’t expect to have the flu! Do you know what happens when you don’t feel good? Of course – you want comfort! You want those things you are used to that help you in some small way feel normal again. You don’t want different. You don’t want to put forth the effort to make changes. You just want to be you. (Can you see where I am going with this????)
After finally making the decision to change, to commit to a new lifestyle….after starting to make the necessary changes to break old habits and start new ones – I was sidelined! Could I have fought through it and kept up with the new me? Could I have struggled through and been not feeling well and avoiding what I wanted to making things even more uncomfortable? Yes. Did I? No.
I wasn’t able to go to the gym for 2 weeks. The first week I was battling the flu. I felt horrible, was running a fever off and on, weak, etc. The second week I was fighting a horrible cough and terrible chest congestion. I just didn’t have it in me. Could I have made myself go? Was I just looking for excuses? Perhaps. But I also knew my body needed rest to heal and I didn’t want to push myself too fast.
Not going to the gym was excusable I would say. But not eating or drinking right – no excuses there. Except I just wanted what I wanted. I didn’t feel like fighting the urges or the cravings. I just went with it. Some could say I failed. I would say I just got side-tracked. I ate the wrong things. A couple of times I ate too much. I drank soda instead of water (which FYI when you are congested water really is better for you!). I was looking for comfort and since I was feeling horrible I found it in the way I am used to – food and soda! The funny thing is every time I over-ate, I noticed it right away and felt horrible. Not just b/c I cheated, but I honestly felt it. I could feel the difference in my body. By drinking soda I noticed the difference as well. I felt fuller and not in a good way. Its really hard to describe but I could just feel the differences in my body.
I have never listened to my body really as far as what it needs. I was too busy listening to my taste buds and what they wanted and liked. It’s funny how little bitty taste buds can drown out your whole body. But they can!
I am happy to report I am finally feeling much better! And I am also happy to report that I am back on track. Monday I went back to the gym. I debated taking more time off, but I knew I had to get back on track. This is where I usually fall off the bandwagon and just head a different direction instead of catching up and getting back on. Usually when something happens to derail me I get out of the habit and stay out of it for a while. Not this time! (I even forgot my keys so didn’t have my key fob to get into the gym. I could have used that as an excuse but instead went anyway and had management check me in.) In addition I can say I am back on track with food as well. Now mind you, I am still a work in process. I am just starting after all. It’s going to take time. It’s going to take dedication. It’s going to take breaking old habits and making new ones. It’s going to take patience. But I am already making progress. I am back off of soda, and back to water. I am planning lunch ahead and trying to make smarter choices. Supper is still a challenge – especially when working all day then having play practice most of the evening. Supper has to consist of something quick. And that sometimes means fast food. But there are still smarter (maybe not smart, but at least smartER) choices to be made. It’s all a learning curve, and an effort to make the most out of every choice I am faced with.
Obviously I am back to my blog as well. Thank goodness! You would be surprised how much this helps. My intention starting this blog was to help others. I want to reach someone who can benefit from reading this. I want to know I am making a difference. I want others to know they are not alone and I understand. I want others to know they can do it. I want to fill others with hope and to show them they can do it! But along the way I started to help myself. This blog is helping me. It’s like a journal of sorts. It helps me express feelings and thoughts I have kept buried deep inside for so many years. I still have so much I want to say. In fact the past few days the thoughts have been churning in my head so much I’ve been trying to decide what to start with when getting back to blogging. However with my recent absence I figured the explanation would be the logical place to start!
As you can see I haven’t given up. I didn’t stop. I didn’t derail. I am still at it. And I will continue to be. This isn’t a phase. This isn’t temporary. This is change!
I do want to clarify a couple of things from yesterday’s post. While being honest – I want to be clear as well.
1. Although my love for food in general started at a young age, things didn’t get out of hand until the last 15 years or so. I was out of school and in the workforce before the weight really started piling on. While not skinny I was stil at a fair weight through school. A little overweight, yes. But not anything drastic by any means. My body is not built to be stick thin. That is one thing to remember. Everyone has a different build and body shape. That is in no way an excuse – just the truth and obvious if you look around. Growing up we still had home cooked meals. I was not fed junk food growing up. But even too much of the right thing can be bad. I just wanted to clarify that I wasn’t brought up this way.
2. With that being said, the weight is my fault and my fault alone. I made the bad choices in my adult years that got me here. While there may have been enablers along the way, the ultimate choices were up to me. I learned to make poor decisions and became an enabler myself for those around me. I also learned how to sneak food and eat extra when no one was around to see. Definitely my choices and my bad decisions. On that level I obviously knew what I was doing was wrong if I felt I had to sneak food and eat extra when no one watching. Otherwise I wouldn’t have felt guilty and thought I had to do it in secret. But as I said in yesterday’s post it is amazing what lies you can tell yourself and even more amazing you can learn to believe them.
3. I got myself here and will get myself out. While support, encouragement, motivation, prayers and love are wonderful boosters and greatly appreciated, I am determined and will accomplish this! I am not going to use any fad diets or secrets to quick loss etc. This will be real, honest efforts and hard work and determination. Only then can I look back at the end of the journey and say, “I accomplished this!”
4.While I have been filled with shame on the inside for many years (keeping it to myself for the most part) I will now hold my head high for the remainder of this journey. I AM WORTHY no matter what anyone else may think!
Fat. Pig. Disgusting. Embarrassment. Lazy. Loser. Failure. These weren’t words coming from others, these were the words I called myself. Deep down inside I knew I had a problem. Deep down inside I knew there was only one way I was going to change. For years I had tried to convince myself otherwise. Continue reading →